Ash
2003-12-05, 3:27 p.m.
Ash, she's an Afrikaan Amerikaan princess queen.
Ashy skin, she says...
It's a bitch,, she says...
And suddenly, I'm tracing her travels
through the dry river bottom cracks in her legs...
1992, a swingset bit me down in Baton Rouge...
I was five years old then, she says.
1995, chasing Raoquan Jones down the back alley,
fell and skinned, count 'em, both knees.
I was 7 years old then, she says.
2002, leaned up and smashed the SHIT outta' my thigh
on the windowsill above Raoquan Jones' bed,
and honey, I was way. too young.
to be in Raoquan. Jones'. bed.
Ash, she is 6 feet and 97 pounds of lanky, African beauty
from the top of her fuzzy, bald head
to the tip of her cracked, red toenails...
Cruising down the hallway in a hospital-issued wheelchair,
Catch me if you can emblazoned on the back
in 1986-issued hot. pink. puffpaint.
They took out my stomach in March due to irreconcilable differences...
It wanted to keep the cancer that was growing there,
and, aw honey...
I. Well, I did not.
Lost my spleen in July -
A tumor had taken up shop there and made itself right. at home,
Throwing back margaritas and playing Playstation
like some unwanted houseguest...
And no matter how many plane tickets and Benjamins I offered,
It just. wouldn't. go.
Cancer, she says.
It's a bitch, she says.
But at least I didn't have to go through female circumcision
with a hacksaw,
get my shit tied back together with THORNS and a handful of cat.gut.
like so many of my African sisters.
It ain't half bad...
when you think about it.
And at LEAST I didn't get shipped off to some Bosnian rape camp
in 1993 as some very. poor. tactic of war.
It ain't half bad...
when you think about it.
And, aw shit. At LEAST I haven't lived my whole life being deluded
into thinking that some BENEVOLENT god wanted ME to die at age 16...
They can build 80 million dollar churches in Little Rock,
But they can't find a cure for. my. pain.
I'm just stuck here in purgatory, she says...
Ain't that a bitch, she says...
Ash, she is wiser than her 16 years,
More beautiful than Antony's Cleopatra,
Faster than Flo Jo,
and 10 steps ahead of me when it comes to figuring out this
cancer. thang.
Ain't gonna' make it to 17, she says...
Incurable. Terminal. End-stage. Over. Out.
TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN FOUR GOOD BUDDY.
Goodbye. Goodnight. and SAYAFUCKENARA.
Got 6 months, she says...
And I'll be damned, but THAT is a bitch too.
Four months have passed,
and Ash, she is on her back in a hospital bed now...
5 mg of Morphine every 8 minutes,
enough to knock the entire nursing staff on their asses,
but Ash, she is still. crying out. in pain.
Tumors in her liver.
Tumors in her spine.
Tumors in her brain.
Spent 16 years trying to save a world
that ain't doing shit to save her...
Ash, her pressures are dropping...
and her breathing is slowing...
and I'm hiding my tears behind
fists. clenched. with rage.
Oh GOD momma.
I'll be a good girl.
Let me go momma.
YOU GOTTA' LET ME GO... now...
16 years sent to shit because of words like
pollution.
radiation.
heredity.
but the truth is,
don't nobody know why Ash gotta' go.
But we can still build 80 million dollar CHURCHES in Little Rock
while kids like Ash are fading fast...
And I'm leaning over her...
Trying to see if she's still with me..
Talking fast...
Slipping my phone number into the pocket of her black velvet pajamas.
Ash baby, you call me if you get scared.
Ash baby, you call me and tell me what it's like.
Ash baby, you call me if you. need. ANYTHING.
Ash baby. Don't. Go.
ASH BABY. COME BACK.
Ash. I...
I love. you.
10:27.
11/27/03...
Losing Ash...
Now THAT was the biggest bitch of all...
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