they think they know me... (or "why i can't write papers)...
2003-09-02, 10:37 p.m.
They think they know me.
They all think they know me.
Little miss pensive pensieve,
Tied up in University pursestrings,
Reversing and forwarding through courses
without leaving a forwarding address...
without cleaning up the mess before I left.
They all think they know me...
The quiet one.
The smart girl.
The one in black at the back of the class.
The one who never raises her hand.
The one who never. raises her voice.
It's because I'm too fucking scared to ask questions,
A regression back to the 8-year-old who was told
that silence is revered.
Don't. ask. why. little one.
No. no. don't. ask. questions.
And so I'm tied up and tied down by 14 year old obsessions,
Navigating in circumflexion without direction
around untold bitter truths.
Electing to remain silent
Rather than vomit my secret histories onto cherrywood tables.
They clasp. their fingers. together.
Lean. far. over their desks.
And there it is.
That. fucking question.
Where is it? Your paper? they ask...
Late again. Late afuckingain.
Just. lazy... I guess.
Just. Lazy.
They think they know me...
They all think they know me...
Little miss anger and aggression,
Navigating through exam questions with hawk-like obsession...
Little miss... never misses a question,
acing their little petty tests of intellect,
failing the section labelled "term paper"...
Just. Lazy... I guess.
They think they know me.
Attention deficient,
Intellectually proficient,
The one with the precision penchant.
Or just... the lazy one.
They think they know me.
But how can I explain to them...
How can I explain my disdain for blank walls
and blanker blinking blue computer screens...?
How can I paint a portrait of the pathetic picture show
that parades through my brain
as soon as my fingers... hit the keys?
His. fingers... wrapped 'round my throat...
(asdf. jkl;)
His. foul 14-year-old breath in the
8-year-old curve. of my ear...
(asdf. jkl;)
"don't ask questions, little one"
"Put. Your. Fucking. Hand. Down."
(asdf. jkl;)
"Suck my dick. Lazy. Little. Bitch.
(ASDF. JKLFUCKINGSEMICOLON)
I FUCKING HATE PLAYING SCHOOL.
I FUCKING HATE WRITING PAPERS.
Little. Miss. Lazy. Ass.
Little. Miss. Ask-no-questions.
This little miss has learned. her lesson.
They think they know me...
But they. know nothing. at all.
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