dear daddy...
2003-07-10, 1:25 p.m.
Now... daddy, don't be mad,
but i got somethin's i gotta'... say to you.
i got somethin's i gotta'... tell you...
somethin's mama and me shoulda' told you
a long. time. ago.
but she didn't wanna upset you, daddy...
with his. late-night jobs...
with his. drinkin' hard.
daddy, with his playin' cards...
daddy, i've tried. so. hard.
to be the little girl you wanted...
to be the little girl you needed to be
the saviour of this family.
but... while you were drinkin' beer
and smokin' cigarettes...
workin' nights,
eyes glued to the TV screen,
i was being shoved onto my knees
in the gravel by our house
on M street...
the one with the fairy ring. and pear tree.
i was on my knees for my new. daddy.
Learnin' about LOVE. and SEX.
and cum and blood and shit and PISS, DADDY.
So... while you were drinkin' beer...
and smokin' cigarettes,
workin' nights...
eyes glued to the TV screen...
I was learnin' to shove tampons up my cunt
because i thought they were CONTRACEPTION.
but guess what, daddy...
you can't get pregnant before MENSTRUATION.
I was 8... years old. daddy.
and 9. and. 10. and 11.
I guess... they don't teach you about rape and MOLESTATION.
on them. late-night. television shows.
And while you were... drinkin' your BEER.
and smokin' your fucken' CIGARETTES,
workin' nights...
eyes GLUED to the TV screen...
I found a vein with a 22 guage for the first time...
watched the flash of blood retract into the syringe...
and plunged. the sticky yellow dope in
for the first time. daddy.
Yeah... I know mama told you i was at church camp, daddy...
but while you were drinkin' your beer...
and smokin' your cigarettes...
workin' nights...
eyes. glued to the TV screen...
I was fillin' the halls of a rehab center
with my withdrawal screams.
with my haldol dreams.
with my junkie schemes to find more.
upon my sweet release.
So... while you were... drinkin' your beer...
and smokin' your... cigarettes...
workin' nights.
eyes GLUED to the TV screen...
I found a breed of human.
so sweet.
and so complex.
as to NEVER.
shove a needle in your arm...
or a dick down your throat.
I found. women, daddy....
I LOVE women, daddy....
And while mama will NEVER forgive me...
I have FOUND salvation.
I have FOUND absolution.
and I know that every. single. scar.
makes me stronger.
So yes, daddy...
while you were drinkin' your beer.
and smokin' them damned cigarettes...
I.
forgave.
you.
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