The Penis: A Seussian Satire
2003-02-23, 1:58 p.m.
I only asked Santa for one thing this year...
I asked Jesus and god and Allah too...
And Muhammad and Buddha
and Shiva and Vishnu...
And Brahma... and Ganesh...
and Athena and Bacchus...
'Well, what is it, what is it,
what is it,' you say?
This thing for which I plundered, pillaged and prayed...
This thing I speak of in Seussian rhyme...
This thing I rant upon, wasting your time...
Well, my friends, wait no more!
This thing I beg for, this thing I'd adore...
Is...
iiiissss........
it is!
A PENIS!
'A PENIS?!'
'A PENIS, you say?'
'Wait just a fucking minute! Isn't she.... gay?'
YES!
I'm a dyke, a queer, a bit of a whore!
'Well what the hell does she want a penis for?'
If I had a cock, I'd tell you to suck it!
If I had a cock, I'd tell you to fuck it!
It would be an amazing cock -
Long, strong, aiming to please...
Oh yes, my cock would bring you to your knees.
It would be the cock of the block,
The wang of the week!
Make old women cry!
Make little girls scream!
It would be 12 inches long
with a rotating head...
Purple and sleek,
or fire-engine red.
Prodding and poking, my cock and I would go,
deflowering the virgins,
swaying the heteros!
'Oh wait a fucking minutes'
'Hit the brakes!'
'Back the fuck up!'
'This cock you speak of,
this cock you adore -
You've been dicked by a straight girl!
That's what you want a cock for!'
'So you can seek her out,
Set her ass unstraight!'
That's only part of it!
Part of it I say!
Travelling the world,
my cock and I would go...
Fuck the secretary,
We'd be the CEO.
Fuck the nurse,
we'd be the doc!
Scaling the corporate ladder...
Me and my magnificent, shiny cock.
We'd wear white Versace after labor day,
prowling around in our three-piece suit
not worrying about getting blood on the ass
That's what my cock and I will do!
We'll make more money an hour,
Steal all the power,
Make Iraq cower,
Jizz in the shower!
So that's why I want a cock, you see -
Straight girls would want me,
I'd make more money,
No fucking ovaries,
No blood in the panties!
So quick, quick, fast as you can,
Grant me this wish -
Make me a man!
Because as we all know...
Girls ain't worth a damn...
A penis makes a cock,
and a cock... makes the man.
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